Ghosts Of Days Gone By

Using the title of one of my favorite bands, Alter Bridge, the song reminds me of exactly what I wish to say in this post.  I’m hoping to be brief but this may filter into a series of posts.  I stand at the precipice of my life, not quite to the top of the proverbial hill to start over the other side, just yet.  As I turn to look back, I have regrets as I’m sure we all do.  I hope to address each of these without too much detail, as there are many things I do not wish the internet to play with about me.

That said, if anyone wishes to confide in me, I may not be a good counsel but I’m a very good listener.  Well, most of the time, I’m listening to these little kids in my head, but I digress.

Haunted by Fear

How many of you are haunted by things that happened in your life that keep you away from your potential?  Maybe keep you from going home.  This includes fear of failure, fear of what your old friends or family might think, fear of events or people from your past.

It’s not the goal of this post to offer any suggestions.  I wish to stir the memories to the surface, to show you that they are part of why you are what you have become.  Good or Bad.  I became bad for a time without realizing it.  Now I am much stronger because of that too, but it is still a ghost that is tied to all the bad experiences in my life.

I recently have found even more things about myself that are hidden away in that closet full of ghosts, and those I realize are shaping these kid’s voices in my head.  Even in the urban fantasy of the Maraude series an upcoming character will be walking through many of my past experiences and it will tear him apart as it did me.  Though I may make his life more unbearable, just to appease my bully side.  that’s what we authors do isn’t it?

Speaking of which:

The Ghost of A Bully

How many of you can honestly look back and say that you have never bullied or went along with the crowd and hazed someone under you in the caste of your life?  Were you one of these under the thumb of cruel kids?

This I can go into more detail of.  There were notable events/people, I wish I had not taken part in.  In fact, many of them felt horrible when I did them, but I was too scared to apologize.  I wasn’t looked up to very much (to my knowledge), but several of the kids I am talking about did look up to me.  Many were girls who might have had a crush on me, which was rare.  Kimberly Rice from Neighbor’s Basement is a culmination of two girls in my life I wish I had given more time.   If Rita or Kathy ever happened upon this page what would I say to them?

Kathy was an adopted English girl.  The whole class made fun of her because she was different.  This coming from a class of misfits to start with – in a private school.

Rita and I actually dated for a bit (yeah, come on – we were 12 in the 80s, we might have kissed once), but she came from a very poor background that I honestly have no idea what her family life was like.  Looking back there were signs of physical abuse, and I’m hoping that was the extent of it.  But I cowed to the class that laughed at her and we went our separate directions.  I look back on how happy I had made her that first day I said yes, and it nearly brings me to tears that I didn’t know more about her.

Then on to a new school.  I never felt like I had any clout at Moseley.  I was the new kid the entire three years I was there.  I withdrew.  I created the facade of a clumsy, nerd-ish, kid that never had anyone over for a sleep over.  It seemed that I had friends, though most of the closest ones seemed to be female (again).  But one boy tried to get close.  George.  I treated him badly because he took it.  I never understood the enjoyment.  I had no reason nor right.  I can guarantee you that if I were to try to apologize today, he might forgive or he might punch.  And I wouldn’t blame him for the latter.

Ghosts of Evil Things

Many of us would rather not remember the things that we have done that might have utterly destroyed someone.

I remember mine everyday of my life.

She has forgiven me, but our relationship has never been the same.

This theme has repeated itself in my writing, and will forever more.

She might have forgiven me.  The world might.  I haven’t…

What did you do to someone to cause them to stumble away, in awe that you could be so horrible.  Or maybe you even pushed them to the ultimate sacrifice?  Not necessarily suicide, but to make a decision that they might not have made otherwise, like accepting a move 1,200 miles away from their home, only to never return…

Other Ghosts?

What ghosts are you haunted by that I haven’t listed here?  Do you feel you should have been something more than you’ve become?  What should I have included?

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About sirkeystone

This dude lives and slaves in the Siloam Springs Arkansas area, where his day job is a flooring installer. For now. An author, artist, guitar repair guy, and loves to play with cars. Not just HotWheels either. Guitar, Bass, and vocals for local False Hope band, an Indie/Country/Rock band that used to be a classic rock cover band.

Posted on August 13, 2012, in writings and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Heya Aric,

    this is quite dark, and perhaps a bit too heavy for me to digest this early in the morning; but, you happened to hit straight home.

    During my childhood, I was the one bullied – because I was different. All my siblings were too, so eventually we moved. The new place started out better, they didn’t know what we were, so at first I was popular due to being new. The reason behind our move, soon became evident and we were once again bullied. This time, it was physical – at least, concerning my little brothers. I became their guardian angel, and hence I had a bloody nose every day for about two years – luckily, I could fend for myself pretty well.

    In junior high school, (I suppose, different school system here), I was bullied for my weight. I hit puberty early, I wasn’t fat – I was curvy. It brought me down low, really low. But again, I started training martial arts – then I got even,and eventually gained some respect.

    I’ve always been the good friend, I think. I stood up for what was right, though, once – this girl was being hounded by a mob formed during recess. and I didn’t defend her. I know they would have turned on me if I had – I was a much larger target, but it still bothers me that I didn’t. She wasn’t harmed, a teacher stood up for her. (They never did for me)

    I’ve done one thing, that has me in tears these days. Two years ago, I found out to my boyfriend at the time (Now, husband) was having contact with his ex girlfriend. It wasn’t just ‘friendly’, she wrote things like “Dying to see you” “Miss you, will always love you” though, she also had a boyfriend. I’m sure she thought she was merely being friendly, and they had been friends for a long time. But, because our relationship was going through some trial sent from hell, I was insecure. (He was 100% loyal to me, he never said those things back – through everything he has been my rock)

    We argued about it quite often, until he, to appease me; told her he didn’t want anything to do with her. They hardly talked (at least, he rarely answered her), but he told her to stop contacting him. She was hurt by his rejection, I guess, called me names and so on. She lived in a different city so this was all via the web. I got to read her emails.

    I understand her now, I suppose I have understood for a while. When we got engaged, I was toying with the idea of telling him he should make up with his friend, I hate being the cause of heartbreak and argue, it kind of breaks me to pieces – but, I never got around to it. That year we moved countries, he was getting his driver’s license, we were planning a wedding and he had to find a new job. It was very stressful.

    Here comes the, well, shocker. Yesterday he got an update on Facebook, on his phone. He looked kind of shocked, yet composed as he always does, and he says “I don’t think you have to worry about my ex anymore,” and kind of sighed.

    I instantly knew she’d died, but I still couldn’t quite believe it, so he showed me the update. She died September 3rd.

    I mean, Jesus, I’ve never felt so guilty. He could read it across my face, I always wear my heart on my sleeve, so he started worrying about ME. That made me feel worse, because ; he’d lost his friend, his ex girlfriend – someone he once loved. I spent the entire day catering for him, making sure he had everything he needed; for both our sakes. I needed to keep busy, and I think he understood.

    I asked him repeatedly, when i was controlled enough, if he was doing alright, and he always answered with “Fine, but how are you?”

    I’ve not cried about it, properly, but I feel a constant urge to break down over it. I’ve never before been the cause for someone parting, as friends or lovers, and the one time I’m emotionally overcome – she dies.

    I’m not quite sure how I’ll handle it, it’s still so very new. I don’t have a ‘right’ to cry about it, she wasn’t my friend or my lover, but it really is tearing me apart.

    I suppose I will get through it, and – I’ve certainly learned my lesson, though it wasn’t a lesson I really needed to learn.

    It feels good having gotten this off my chest – I’ve not told anyone, because I don’t feel I have a right to.

    When it comes to becoming more than I am? I struggled with that since my diagnose. I have EDS (Ehler Danlos Syndrome), and I won’t ever hold another job. I saw myself as a career woman, now this won’t happen. I’ve found my lifeboat in writing, and hopefully it’ll turn out well. And regardless of that; my new goal is to be the best mother and wife I can possibly be; once, that is – we have children. (Which I hope will be soon)

    Sorry for this long entry – talk about possible blog post. 😉

    • This is a regular place for me. I have so many things I regret, and now with the recent death of a Grandfather I’ve never met, and my Grandmother (both my Mom’s parents) and just after that my Mother-in-Law dies after three months of hell after a major stroke.

      That said, I am a spiritual person, I won’t say religious, but spiritual, yes. So was my Grandmother, so we all knew she was “ready.” So this hasn’t hit my mom so much until they had to put their cat, Ranger, of nearly thirteen years, to sleep due to liver failure. Now, every time she think of the cat, she remembers my Grandmother’s pancreatic cancer and breaks down, as the liver failure was what finally did my grandmother in.

      All of this, my wife is now in a full state of guilt, somehow thinking that she was supposed to save her mom. She works; she sleeps. Depression. I’ve been there before, but she’s already one meds for it. I worry about her all the time. Yet something else to confuse my muse I suppose.

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