Ghosts Of Days Gone By
Using the title of one of my favorite bands, Alter Bridge, the song reminds me of exactly what I wish to say in this post. I’m hoping to be brief but this may filter into a series of posts. I stand at the precipice of my life, not quite to the top of the proverbial hill to start over the other side, just yet. As I turn to look back, I have regrets as I’m sure we all do. I hope to address each of these without too much detail, as there are many things I do not wish the internet to play with about me.
That said, if anyone wishes to confide in me, I may not be a good counsel but I’m a very good listener. Well, most of the time, I’m listening to these little kids in my head, but I digress.
Haunted by Fear
How many of you are haunted by things that happened in your life that keep you away from your potential? Maybe keep you from going home. This includes fear of failure, fear of what your old friends or family might think, fear of events or people from your past.
It’s not the goal of this post to offer any suggestions. I wish to stir the memories to the surface, to show you that they are part of why you are what you have become. Good or Bad. I became bad for a time without realizing it. Now I am much stronger because of that too, but it is still a ghost that is tied to all the bad experiences in my life.
I recently have found even more things about myself that are hidden away in that closet full of ghosts, and those I realize are shaping these kid’s voices in my head. Even in the urban fantasy of the Maraude series an upcoming character will be walking through many of my past experiences and it will tear him apart as it did me. Though I may make his life more unbearable, just to appease my bully side. that’s what we authors do isn’t it?
Speaking of which:
The Ghost of A Bully
How many of you can honestly look back and say that you have never bullied or went along with the crowd and hazed someone under you in the caste of your life? Were you one of these under the thumb of cruel kids?
This I can go into more detail of. There were notable events/people, I wish I had not taken part in. In fact, many of them felt horrible when I did them, but I was too scared to apologize. I wasn’t looked up to very much (to my knowledge), but several of the kids I am talking about did look up to me. Many were girls who might have had a crush on me, which was rare. Kimberly Rice from Neighbor’s Basement is a culmination of two girls in my life I wish I had given more time. If Rita or Kathy ever happened upon this page what would I say to them?
Kathy was an adopted English girl. The whole class made fun of her because she was different. This coming from a class of misfits to start with – in a private school.
Rita and I actually dated for a bit (yeah, come on – we were 12 in the 80s, we might have kissed once), but she came from a very poor background that I honestly have no idea what her family life was like. Looking back there were signs of physical abuse, and I’m hoping that was the extent of it. But I cowed to the class that laughed at her and we went our separate directions. I look back on how happy I had made her that first day I said yes, and it nearly brings me to tears that I didn’t know more about her.
Then on to a new school. I never felt like I had any clout at Moseley. I was the new kid the entire three years I was there. I withdrew. I created the facade of a clumsy, nerd-ish, kid that never had anyone over for a sleep over. It seemed that I had friends, though most of the closest ones seemed to be female (again). But one boy tried to get close. George. I treated him badly because he took it. I never understood the enjoyment. I had no reason nor right. I can guarantee you that if I were to try to apologize today, he might forgive or he might punch. And I wouldn’t blame him for the latter.
Ghosts of Evil Things
Many of us would rather not remember the things that we have done that might have utterly destroyed someone.
I remember mine everyday of my life.
She has forgiven me, but our relationship has never been the same.
This theme has repeated itself in my writing, and will forever more.
She might have forgiven me. The world might. I haven’t…
What did you do to someone to cause them to stumble away, in awe that you could be so horrible. Or maybe you even pushed them to the ultimate sacrifice? Not necessarily suicide, but to make a decision that they might not have made otherwise, like accepting a move 1,200 miles away from their home, only to never return…
What ghosts are you haunted by that I haven’t listed here? Do you feel you should have been something more than you’ve become? What should I have included?